it's been almost 5 years since the fall, since the hip replacement, since the rehab, since the discovery, since the passing. still not over it. nobody knows what goes on inside this head, this body. i feel like there's this outside facade of everything is going to be okay & i'll take care of it. such a brave front. inside i cry, i scream, i fall down to my knees begging for mercy & strength while there's a smile on my face. i can look you in the eye and listen to you with all this going on inside me. i'm crazy, insane, mad. but my shell is okay, projecting calmness, inside is a raging fire burning the inside of my eyes screaming out my ears, making my fingers and feet tingle. but nothing comes out of my mouth. sometimes tears will fall but those are easily concealed. never good enough, why did you do that, keep your mouth shut, don't touch anything, think before you speak, don't let the eggshells break. it's not about me it's never about me i'm not important, unimportant, not as good, not as bad, just there, wanting to do, wanting to be acknowledged about my own feelings and needs. yet nobody knows because of this hard shell of a body covering me. this is me every day.
Jen & Amber are the only two people who can quiet that crazy person inside me. They truly appreciate me and tell me and love me and hug me and care about me. they nurture me. i need them. i am reminded of this everytime i am in their presence. i always feel good with them. i'm truly happy and calm. i smile outside and in. being appreciated and told i do a good job, a great job, i was needed, never any condescension or not good enough or just not right.
and i miss anna but she reminds me of my failure to maintain a relationship with my own daughter yet i don't know what i did. she's in jail now, going to turn 30 in jail. she hasn't wanted to talk to me in almost 5 years. i'm still not over that either evidently.
and of course i'm still not over my dad dying and the things he said to me before he went to georgia like he knew he wasn't going to come back.
and i think of my grampa who lived with us and then died. he had emphysema really bad and always coughed and wheezed.
which brings me to joe's mom. she's in a hospice home because she was going to die and not being taken care of properly at home. but now that she is in there, she's getting healthier with good food and care and proper medications. so we went through all this emotional trauma and ray & maryann took care of all the business end (thank you god for that, they really took care of business) and the first couple of days in she was bad, dying. now she's healthier than ever, still coughing but not as much, still shaky but she feeds herself n brushes her teeth and everything she can do in bed. they won't let her stand up. she wears a diaper. her brain is sharp. no where near dying. but i don't want this entry to be about her. she's already taken over my life, i resent that because she is not always nice. she is condescending and passive aggressive and the posture queen enjoying her stay at the resort known as hospice home. she loves it there. it's all about her there. she's not ready to die and i'm offended that i'm being played.
inside i'm screaming but outside i'm visiting, baking chocolate cupcakes that she doesn't want to eat right away, smiling, listening, agreeing, thanking, smiling.
i still have the ashes on the shelf. i can't let go. i miss them so much.
