early mom

i can't go back and read earlier posts, i just break down. so, if these are repeats, please forgive me. i want my parent's history to not be lost in history.

so early mom - things she told me that i remember, as i remember.  we have some pictures of some of this stuff.
she was in choir
she was a tomboy
she had to wear uniforms to school
her mom caught her climbing trees in her uniform & told her it was not ladylike
she wore two long braids in school
she had 2 pairs of clothes to wear & wash by hand and iron
they used an abacus
she played cards with her coworkers and had drinking games and went out to drink
her father was an accountant
her mother was a seamstress
she was born in formosa but her family went to japan because they didn't want to live as chinese
she had two younger brothers
she had an akita dog
she met my dad on a blind date, she didn't like him at first, he was so thin his nickname was skinny
there were people that sold hot sweet potatoes from a cart
they ate sweet potatoes and rice a lot
her parents didn't want her to marry and leave
when she was pregnant she craved pineapple and ate so much that her mouth broke out
she sent money each month with a letter but never got a response so she quit and never heard from or of her family again (that breaks my heart to no end)

feeling a little bit calmer

So, I know my mom had these same demons in her head trying to distract her but she was strong enough to carry on and be a courageous and loving woman to everybody she met.

i have a better outlook today, wow, that last post was harsh.  it's funny because the day after writing that i found out that nobody told me that anna had been released early, like a week before.  i sent a birthday card to las colinas.  it hasn't been returned. i wonder if it was forwarded or thrown away.  anna hasn't contacted me. evidently she still doesn't want to have a relationship with me.  i wonder if i'll ever have that mother daughter relationship with her ever again.  the bible told me train up a child in the way they should go and they shall not depart from it. the day we left georgia, i gave our lives to god and promised to raise you in the church and i would be involved and raise you all to be godly women.

letting go. it's hard. you'll find out when it's time to let your little butterfly children go.  you never stop thinking about them, you never stop wanting their happiness and to be safe. that's all i want. i want you all to be happy and safe.  even if i never see you again. i will always.

so i have a plumber here today. omg, i looked in on him and there was the plumber's buttcrack! when i came back with the camera he had fixed himself and kept it out of sight since. hahahahahaha too funny.

i'm really happy today, i know the circus around me is causing me to be overwhelmed in my thoughts of the things i am assigned to do.  i don't use assigned as a negative term, these are things i am able to do, willing to do, or wanting to do.  the trick is to not over do it in body. in brain, i'm always overdoing it but i've realized that i have the semi-unique talent of keeping my mouth shut.

joe's mom is in a great home. she may be there for a long time. she seems pretty healthy to me, more healthy than she was at home.  setting her up in her new room, bringing all her stuff from her house is going to be an ongoing job but we can do it, we will do it, and i'm ok with that (ray & maryann are taking care of all the hard stuff; thank you God!  amber's having some big decisions to make but she's an adult, a parent, only she can make those decisions and i have to be ok with that. i'm ok with that.  jen is very good at what she does, she's busy, i don't have to talk to her every day, i'm ok with that. anna's out of jail, back with carlo, must be happy because she makes her own decisions and i'm ok with that. it's not my call, not my life, not my decision. i'm ok with that.

the lesson here, dear reader, is you have to be ok with the circus around you because it's them and their's not you that need to go thru it. watch & pray.  love and smile.  you have enough problems of your own to get involved in other's.

almost 5 years, still not over it, & the only 2 people who make a difference

it's been almost 5 years since the fall, since the hip replacement, since the rehab, since the discovery, since the passing.  still not over it. nobody knows what goes on inside this head, this body.  i feel like there's this outside facade of everything is going to be okay & i'll take care of it.  such a brave front.  inside i cry, i scream, i fall down to my knees begging for mercy & strength while there's a smile on my face.  i can look you in the eye and listen to you with all this going on inside me. i'm crazy, insane, mad.  but my shell is okay, projecting calmness, inside is a raging fire burning the inside of my eyes screaming out my ears, making my fingers and feet tingle. but nothing comes out of my mouth.  sometimes tears will fall but those are easily concealed. never good enough, why did you do that, keep your mouth shut, don't touch anything, think before you speak, don't let the eggshells break. it's not about me it's never about me i'm not important, unimportant, not as good, not as bad, just there, wanting to do, wanting to be acknowledged about my own feelings and needs. yet nobody knows because of this hard shell of a body covering me. this is me every day.

Jen & Amber are the only two people who can quiet that crazy person inside me.  They truly appreciate me and tell me and love me and hug me and care about me. they nurture me. i need them.  i am reminded of this everytime i am in their presence. i always feel good with them. i'm truly happy and calm. i smile outside and in. being appreciated and told i do a good job, a great job, i was needed, never any condescension or not good enough or just not right.

and i miss anna but she reminds me of my failure to maintain a relationship with my own daughter yet i don't know what i did. she's in jail now, going to turn 30 in jail. she hasn't wanted to talk to me in almost 5 years.  i'm still not over that either evidently.

and of course i'm still not over my dad dying and the things he said to me before he went to georgia like he knew he wasn't going to come back.

and i think of my grampa who lived with us and then died. he had emphysema really bad and always coughed and wheezed.

which brings me to joe's mom. she's in a hospice home because she was going to die and not being taken care of properly at home. but now that she is in there, she's getting healthier with good food and care and proper medications.  so we went through all this emotional trauma and ray & maryann took care of all the business end (thank you god for that, they really took care of business) and the first couple of days in she was bad, dying. now she's healthier than ever, still coughing but not as much, still shaky but she feeds herself n brushes her teeth and everything she can do in bed. they won't let her stand up. she wears a diaper. her brain is sharp. no where near dying. but i don't want this entry to be about her. she's already taken over my life, i resent that because she is not always nice. she is condescending and passive aggressive and the posture queen enjoying her stay at the resort known as hospice home.  she loves it there. it's all about her there. she's not ready to die and i'm offended that i'm being played.

inside i'm screaming but outside i'm visiting, baking chocolate cupcakes that she doesn't want to eat right away, smiling, listening, agreeing, thanking, smiling.

i still have the ashes on the shelf. i can't let go. i miss them so much.