early mom

i can't go back and read earlier posts, i just break down. so, if these are repeats, please forgive me. i want my parent's history to not be lost in history.

so early mom - things she told me that i remember, as i remember.  we have some pictures of some of this stuff.
she was in choir
she was a tomboy
she had to wear uniforms to school
her mom caught her climbing trees in her uniform & told her it was not ladylike
she wore two long braids in school
she had 2 pairs of clothes to wear & wash by hand and iron
they used an abacus
she played cards with her coworkers and had drinking games and went out to drink
her father was an accountant
her mother was a seamstress
she was born in formosa but her family went to japan because they didn't want to live as chinese
she had two younger brothers
she had an akita dog
she met my dad on a blind date, she didn't like him at first, he was so thin his nickname was skinny
there were people that sold hot sweet potatoes from a cart
they ate sweet potatoes and rice a lot
her parents didn't want her to marry and leave
when she was pregnant she craved pineapple and ate so much that her mouth broke out
she sent money each month with a letter but never got a response so she quit and never heard from or of her family again (that breaks my heart to no end)

feeling a little bit calmer

So, I know my mom had these same demons in her head trying to distract her but she was strong enough to carry on and be a courageous and loving woman to everybody she met.

i have a better outlook today, wow, that last post was harsh.  it's funny because the day after writing that i found out that nobody told me that anna had been released early, like a week before.  i sent a birthday card to las colinas.  it hasn't been returned. i wonder if it was forwarded or thrown away.  anna hasn't contacted me. evidently she still doesn't want to have a relationship with me.  i wonder if i'll ever have that mother daughter relationship with her ever again.  the bible told me train up a child in the way they should go and they shall not depart from it. the day we left georgia, i gave our lives to god and promised to raise you in the church and i would be involved and raise you all to be godly women.

letting go. it's hard. you'll find out when it's time to let your little butterfly children go.  you never stop thinking about them, you never stop wanting their happiness and to be safe. that's all i want. i want you all to be happy and safe.  even if i never see you again. i will always.

so i have a plumber here today. omg, i looked in on him and there was the plumber's buttcrack! when i came back with the camera he had fixed himself and kept it out of sight since. hahahahahaha too funny.

i'm really happy today, i know the circus around me is causing me to be overwhelmed in my thoughts of the things i am assigned to do.  i don't use assigned as a negative term, these are things i am able to do, willing to do, or wanting to do.  the trick is to not over do it in body. in brain, i'm always overdoing it but i've realized that i have the semi-unique talent of keeping my mouth shut.

joe's mom is in a great home. she may be there for a long time. she seems pretty healthy to me, more healthy than she was at home.  setting her up in her new room, bringing all her stuff from her house is going to be an ongoing job but we can do it, we will do it, and i'm ok with that (ray & maryann are taking care of all the hard stuff; thank you God!  amber's having some big decisions to make but she's an adult, a parent, only she can make those decisions and i have to be ok with that. i'm ok with that.  jen is very good at what she does, she's busy, i don't have to talk to her every day, i'm ok with that. anna's out of jail, back with carlo, must be happy because she makes her own decisions and i'm ok with that. it's not my call, not my life, not my decision. i'm ok with that.

the lesson here, dear reader, is you have to be ok with the circus around you because it's them and their's not you that need to go thru it. watch & pray.  love and smile.  you have enough problems of your own to get involved in other's.

almost 5 years, still not over it, & the only 2 people who make a difference

it's been almost 5 years since the fall, since the hip replacement, since the rehab, since the discovery, since the passing.  still not over it. nobody knows what goes on inside this head, this body.  i feel like there's this outside facade of everything is going to be okay & i'll take care of it.  such a brave front.  inside i cry, i scream, i fall down to my knees begging for mercy & strength while there's a smile on my face.  i can look you in the eye and listen to you with all this going on inside me. i'm crazy, insane, mad.  but my shell is okay, projecting calmness, inside is a raging fire burning the inside of my eyes screaming out my ears, making my fingers and feet tingle. but nothing comes out of my mouth.  sometimes tears will fall but those are easily concealed. never good enough, why did you do that, keep your mouth shut, don't touch anything, think before you speak, don't let the eggshells break. it's not about me it's never about me i'm not important, unimportant, not as good, not as bad, just there, wanting to do, wanting to be acknowledged about my own feelings and needs. yet nobody knows because of this hard shell of a body covering me. this is me every day.

Jen & Amber are the only two people who can quiet that crazy person inside me.  They truly appreciate me and tell me and love me and hug me and care about me. they nurture me. i need them.  i am reminded of this everytime i am in their presence. i always feel good with them. i'm truly happy and calm. i smile outside and in. being appreciated and told i do a good job, a great job, i was needed, never any condescension or not good enough or just not right.

and i miss anna but she reminds me of my failure to maintain a relationship with my own daughter yet i don't know what i did. she's in jail now, going to turn 30 in jail. she hasn't wanted to talk to me in almost 5 years.  i'm still not over that either evidently.

and of course i'm still not over my dad dying and the things he said to me before he went to georgia like he knew he wasn't going to come back.

and i think of my grampa who lived with us and then died. he had emphysema really bad and always coughed and wheezed.

which brings me to joe's mom. she's in a hospice home because she was going to die and not being taken care of properly at home. but now that she is in there, she's getting healthier with good food and care and proper medications.  so we went through all this emotional trauma and ray & maryann took care of all the business end (thank you god for that, they really took care of business) and the first couple of days in she was bad, dying. now she's healthier than ever, still coughing but not as much, still shaky but she feeds herself n brushes her teeth and everything she can do in bed. they won't let her stand up. she wears a diaper. her brain is sharp. no where near dying. but i don't want this entry to be about her. she's already taken over my life, i resent that because she is not always nice. she is condescending and passive aggressive and the posture queen enjoying her stay at the resort known as hospice home.  she loves it there. it's all about her there. she's not ready to die and i'm offended that i'm being played.

inside i'm screaming but outside i'm visiting, baking chocolate cupcakes that she doesn't want to eat right away, smiling, listening, agreeing, thanking, smiling.

i still have the ashes on the shelf. i can't let go. i miss them so much.

birthday parties

it's 8/12/15. I still think of mom & dad every day, how much i miss them, how much they've missed, and the guilt... the guilt... i can't get over not being a better daughter. it makes me cry. i try to think of all the good things that make me happy then i think that i miss it and i cry. cry baby. but this morning i was thinking of our birthday parties when we were kids.

we had great birthday parties and have some pictures stored.  first of all, we had to invite each kid on the block. back then in the 60's we knew everybody on the block. almost every house had a kid or more. we all played on the street together until the street lights came on for me or until parents called us in for dinner.  let's see, going around the block there was the berry's with two older kids dave & a sister I don't know; then the rowe's with two boys dale and an older one i don't remember but i do remember he was big (fat) and dale was my age and a brat; no kids in the next house; the matthew's had a girl michelle i think and boy of course i don't remember his name he was younger like robert; then the hmmm, don't remember their last name yet but they had 6-7 kids one girl my age, lots of boys, they were the crazies of our block, her name was nancy, she was a 'bad' girl, one time her brother was sent to 7-11 (i think it was here back then) for a loaf of bread but when he got home it was half gone. they were a hungry bunch all the time. the hardins were our closest family friends, moms and dads would get together probably once a week and play marbles and drink and we went to bed. one time while they were playing, robert sleep walked into the patio and peed.  they had russell, cindy, cheryl, and paula.  one year both the dads were overseas and we went to thanksgiving at sir george's smorgasbord. fun times. also, cheryl ran through our patio sliding glass door when we were all called in for dinner and she wondered why we all were running way over to the side (where the door was open) and she went right through the window with only a scratch on her hand!!! mom sewed prom dresses for paula and when i was old enough i even babysat paula's daughter.  jennifer was friends with russell's daughter katrina.  then the mcgeachy's had jerry; then the cotton's had jim & another boy; then the converry's had one girl... what was her name... she had a cool play house in the back yard, they had a daschund that i was petting and she jumped up and bit my lip and I had to have stitches!! i don't even remember the next house's people (that's sad) then there are the tagabon's with louie, adrianna, lori, karina, and marcella. i was adrianna's age, we all played house on the sidewalks.  down the street on the other side, i remember janelle warner, and well i now think THESE were the mcgeachy's but they had a passle of kids mostly boys, beanie (the tiny mexican boy who had a ton of brothers n sisters). that's funny, we could call him beanie back then. now we would be racists!  there was tina beadles & her brother... tommy. tina died of cancer or something. she was my friend before she got too sick. we went to brownies together. across the street was the, well i forgot but i remember they had a cat and theat was when i realized i was so allergic to cats. caddy corner was the guerolla's, eleanor was my friend she had 3 older siblings. I remember julie making refried beans and tortilla for us, the big chunk of lard melting in the cast iron pan. so delicious.

then we could also invite friends from school or wherever.  my parents never had their friends over for our parties (except for the spare mom or two to help with the festivities). i don't remember my dad being around but i remember my mom bustling about, wearing dresses, puffy hair, and i think barefooted.  Mrs. Hardin was almost always there.  mom always made a new dress for me; robert always had a birthday outfit too. they were summer outfits because it was warm in april and july. she organized games with prizes in the both the back yard and the living room. i especially remember dropping clothespins into a milk bottle. we would kneel on a kitchen chair and drop like 5 clothespins over the back of the chair into the bottle. the most wins. the winner got a prize. when we won the prize, we were encouraged to give the prize to the second place person because we were going to get a lot of presents anyways.  we always did.  she made goodie bags for the guests to take home after the party. i remember her putting candies into cupcake papers.  we had a picnic table in the patio and we would all sit around that for cake and ice cream. homemade cake but store bought ice cream. we never had a bbq or other food because it was just a kid's birthday party. my parents never invited their own friends with kids and force any other kids on us. (i hated that about j)  we would have all the kids sit in a circle to open presents and each present was passed around the circle so everybody could check it out.  nobody kept it or cried to keep it or tried to play with it or open it. we were pretty polite kids back then. they looked and passed it around.

i'm remembering the hardins. i was so in awe because Mr. Hardin had a rock shining kit, the kind that rolls the rocks around until they're jewelry ready. he kept it in the garage because it made so much noise. we could hear it when we walked by. i always wanted one of those. also in his garage, he had a glass bottle cutting machine which he made drinking glasses out of bottles among other things. so cool. he and dad were the ones who took me to the mountains and they collected those giant granite rocks in the back yard.

i remember fishing with my parents & then my dad going out on boats and fishing and bringing back tuna... yellow fin tuna! which was super weird because my dad gets seasick and he doesn't like to eat fish or smell it being cooked! he just liked fishing. we went fishing on the ib pier a lot. good times. my parents were awesome.

i remember on the fourth of july several times, we drove down the strand and just parked to watch the fireworks. i knew it was my dad's birthday so i thought for a long time that all navy guys had their birthday on the fourth of july and the navy shot fireworks for them too. weird things kids think. me anyways.

sometimes my dad brought things home from the base for family pleasure. projectors, films, and screen for movie night. they were educational i think, i remember loving the flowers in slow motion blooming and dying. pop up campers and camping was so much fun. not so much for mom, i think it was more work for her than anybody but i was a kid and it was fun.

going to the commissary was fun for me. we'd buy lots of food, dad would sleep in the car.

we went to picnics by the navy. admiral baker field was fun, i remember they had a pool. i remember them cooking steaks on the giantist grill i've ever seen.

my parents were awesome and i miss them so much. they were great & clever & smart & fun. so i'm crying now, time to stop.

'I went to brush something off my cheek and realized it was the floor'

I heard that and thought it was funny.  I really don't drink like that anymore and haven't for ages. There was a time that could have been true for me.  'Dude, where's my car' is also something that can describe my [anti]glory days.

I realized late in life that my mom was a party animal! Oh, she would drop tidbits here and there but I never really put it together.  She'd leave these little bits of information without fanfare or detail.  There was a Japanese card game, we had a deck of those little colorful cardboard cards. She said she would play this game as a gambling and drinking game after work with her friends. I wish I would have learned to play that game or even to remember the name.  I have many regrets like that. Mom was wonderful and she knew so much but I didn't tap into that, I didn't take advantage of that, I didn't make her feel special enough to be interested in those things. I regret it, i'm crying now.

it was all taken for granted,,,

I can't believe it's been over 3 years and I'm still not over it. I tried to organize my craft room. The first box I looked into was a box of patterns. The patterns were a history of fashion. Mom sewed like a tailor. I remember she'd take me to the store and let me pick ANY pattern I wanted then we looked around and she let me pick ANY material I wanted.  A few days later, there was my beautiful dress (or pants or jacket or shirt or blouse or even swimsuit!!!!!). She was the best. I wish we would have thought to take pictures of all her wonderful creations but we didn't. that was in another age. there was no 'instant' anything back then.

i find that since having the cell phone and texting, my typing/spelling has become 'modernized'. you will probably notice in my posts that capitalization isn't always there, proper spelling isn't always there. it's just a sign of these times.

I haven't even come across the box of old pictures yet. I can imagine that will be a heart wrenching day. omg, just thinking about is making me try to cry! stop!

So, in high school, i can remember all the sewing she did. my whole wardrobe; come to think of it, my whole wardrobe through school was her! I was very well dressed. she even made jackets & capes for me! capes were in. i had one with fur trim! it was awesome. mom was awesome.

so, this box had patterns for little girls, little boys, women, and men in the 50's. she was a sewing machine! sometimes she made matching outfits for us all. we were the coolest because of her! She made purses too!

mom could knit and crochet and embroider like a champ! we have so many blankets from her. she made shawls for me, she made sweaters, she made little crafty type stuff for gifting and decoration. when did she find the time? she was a hummingbird of a mom!

I can remember she would read the newspaper EVERY DAY sitting on the floor in the morning when she woke up. She learned english that way.  the dishes were always done. the yard was always nice. the clothes were always clean and pressed. the floors were clean. everything was done all the time. dinner on the table about 5pm every day. lunches made to take to school. she was perfect and i never acknowledged that to her. kids just don't know how amazing it is. we just take it for granted. i'm crying again.

birthdays deathdays

Masako Roden. Chula Vista, CA. Born: Jan 23, 1929. Deceased: Jun 10, 2011 · 

Vernon L. Roden. Chula Vista, CA. Born: Jul 4, 1930. Deceased: Oct 11, 1999.

I miss them so much.