just saw a show where a mom's mom always sent her a pair of slippers for christmas for years but wouldn't come over for christmas. someone else's mom reminded her that the last christmas before she left, she gave a little 8 year old girl a pair of slippers that made her light up with delight; she loved them. moms always think of their children as their children, no matter how old they get.
i bought amber a statue of a blonde ponytailed girl holding up a little blonde girl. it made me think of her. yesterday, i realized, i always think of amber as a blonde, like she was when she was a child. she's not blonde anymore and hasn't been for years. i see anything 101 dalmatians & think of amber.
in general, the girls are the same as they always were. only physically have they grown 'up'. i wonder how anna is, who she is, if she's the same or if life's taken her down a darker path. she's been running away from me seeking other families to hook up with. i realize that now. now that i look back on it all.
but now i'm crying hardly able to see the screen. my heart is broken from anna leaving [again] but this time not coming back. it's hard. but i did the best i could with what i had, i know that too. i think of her every day and remember her in my prayers. i think of mom & dad every day but i know i won't see them until we're all called to heaven. the girls are grown, they have their own lives, who am i to wish we could all be together occasionally like we used to be... but i'm a mom and I think of them as children, smiling, laughing, running, growing children. i miss that but i love my life as a grammy, retired with my adoring loving husband who still has enough life in him to enjoy most days. i'm glad we have dinner every sunday. i'm glad i get phone calls for cooking questions, to share the joy, to be a listening ear, mom questions, pregnancy questions (even though you could call your sister), and to make sure i'm okay.
well, now the tears of heart break are combined with tears of joy. life is ...
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